A break from being creative

I think it is time to admit to myself that maybe I need a bit of a break from being creative in the ways I normally would, which aren’t necessarily tied to medium but more to a process that I follow. Maybe it isn’t even that. I can’t quite place my finger on it.

For the last few months I’ve been forcing myself to show up to my easel, my sketchbook, my pencils, charcoal, paints and I’ve felt nothing but absolute boredom. There are times I’ve tried to push through, because I’ve been told that’s what you’re meant to do. I keep showing up but it has felt like I’m dragging myself through thick armpit deep mud.

Forcing it over and over again has led me here, to a point where I have zero desire to pick up a pencil or paint brush. I couldn’t get this incessant voice out of my head saying, ‘I don’t want to do this anymore’, every time I stepped up to my easel. So I thought why fight it?

Seriously, why keep going at something that was making me unbelievably miserable. Isn’t the point of creating to bring joy? Something had to change and it did. About about a month ago now I packed up my art supplies, all the pieces I was working on, of which there were about seven, and left my easel bare.

I just stopped. All of it.

And you know what happened? The most amazing thing! The whole process of packing up my works in progress, ideas and supplies was so cathartic and even calming. I had a smile on my face the entire time and when it was all done it felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I felt pure relief. I could’ve danced in sheer joy. In that moment I knew I had been fighting an urge that had been building in the background for a very long time.

It isn’t that I am done with making art and I don’t believe this has anything to do with perseverance rather, it is that I have become so dissatisfied with all of my work. What I was producing felt superficial and there was a huge disconnect between myself and the work.

I think somewhere in the last few years my creative process has gone from being personal and something I did for myself to one that is there to please an audience, to produce pieces that sold and brought in an income. However, this is not the only thing. If I’m being honest with myself - and you - it also because I just don’t know what I want my art to say. It has lost all of its connection to me and I think that is so important as an artist.

My husband, who is a huge Warren Buffett fan, reminds me of this quote constantly:

The big question about how people behave is they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard. - Warren Buffett

In other words, I had let external validation drive my creative process and in doing so I had lost the ability to trust my own instincts. And I think we can only do this for so long until feeling disconnected from our creativity becomes inevitable.

There is also something to be said for my lack of self-acceptance. Ever since I commenced my Fine Arts studies, I have felt this tug towards art that speaks more of who I am and my life. I have become aware of so much art and so many artists that most times I am left speechless. A lot, if not all, have something they are trying to say, work they are continually exploring, delving deeper into what they love. You can see it in their work and when you look closer, the things they express are beautiful regardless of aesthetics.

What I am trying to get across is just how wonderful art can be when the artist is truly part of their art in its entirety. To be creative is to express who we are, who I am, and yet that is what my art is severely lacking.

It is not that I need my art to be extravagant, great, huge is size or intricate in detail. Rather I just want it to have self expression. A story, my story.

So where does that leave me?

I’m not to sure.

This all feels part of the creative process and I have been doing other things. I’ve rekindled an old love for my photography and writing. I’m curious about poetry and incorporating words into my future projects. I’ve been experimenting with collage, something I said I would never do. Just the other day I was contemplating sculpture and the process of building things, even though, as I am severely lacking of a studio space this might not be feasible. Yet.

This is the bizarre thing, in closing one door and saying farewell to things I was trying to force, I’ve opened up about one hundred other doors! A lot of them feel ridiculously scary as they are so far outside my comfort zone I want to run away screaming. However, I don’t see this as a negative thing, rather I know that in pursuing these things, I will eventually find my way back to trusting my gut instinct in my creative process.